Halloween weekend beckons next weekend and I thought at least one if not two of my Thursday Thirteens should feature something in the mood of the holiday. I thought about the costumes, the movies, the magic and the mysteries, and movies won. But not quite the way you might think. Rather than featuring the movies themselves, I thought I'd share what I learned from the horror movies I loved as a kid, just in case you ever find yourself in one. So I present to you 13 Horror Movie Lessons as interpreted by me. Enjoy.
13 Horror Movie Lessons ala Xakara
(In Case You Ever Find Yourself In A Horror Movie)
1. Evil Uses Racial Profiling: If you're the only Person of Color in the crowd of plucky yet naughty white folks you're going to die. Don't bother running, just turn and fight so you can go out with glory. Exception: The Tech Guy/Occultist Chick. You've been off doing research since the middle of the second act. As long as you don't try to relay the forbidden information over the telephone while you're all alone in the middle of a storm/blackout, you'll survive to nearly die in the sequel.
2. Virginity Saves Lives: If you're the female lead and have been declared a virgin, you now possess the magical "get out of slaughter free card" and will slip the noose to fall into the male lead's arms. Unless of course he's been pressuring you for sex. In that case he's already dead from his tryst with your slutty best friend after they went off into the woods/by the lake/insert isolated area here, in act I.
3. Virginity Kills: If you're anyone but the female lead and a virgin, or you are the lead but have proved to be TSTL, a major ritual sacrifice is in your future. The calvery will ultimately swoop in and prevent the apocalypse, but the virgin still dies.
4. Crows Have It Out For Us: Whether guiding the souls of the wrongfully killed back to earth for vengence, or heralding the arrival of the Walking Dude; crows are always a danger sign. Where crows go, a high body count follows. That's just how they roll.
5. It's Fallen, but It Can Get Up: And it will, so don't go check for a pulse if you don't have a weapon. If you do have a weapon aim for it's head and keep shooting or swinging until there's nothing but a misty paste left. Trust me. Anything else and it's curtains for you.
6. If You Build It, It Will Eat You: Your wonderful, disease curing intentions are irrelevant. If you create a creature, especially one with human DNA, it's going to kill you. Not only is it going to kill you, it's going to kill all of your family, all of your friends, all of your collegues, and the girl that says hi to you every day in line at starbucks. However if the two of you are spending $5 at Starbucks on a daily basis in the middle of a recession, you both kinda have it coming. Unless of course she's made a cute joke about stimulating the economy, in that case she's totally saved.
7. Alien/Demon Babies Are Not Into Bromances: If you're male, back away slowly. Only the real daddy will do and any attempt to replace him or save the female lead from her alien/demon spawn will result in you and all of your Y-chromosome inclined friends heading to that big drive-in theater in the sky. Exception: If you're the adopted father of the antichrist. But be careful, try to kill it and you can easily be replaced by your brother/cousin/other politically connect friend or relative.
8. Rottwielers are Evil: But only if there's a Latin choir chanting ominiously in the background. Otherwise, you're good.
9. Sleep Kills: If you're a teen or twenty-something and you either learn for the first time that a crazed, maniac killer died in your house, or you grew up with the legend of him dying in the neighborhood; on the anniversary of his birth/death/most infamous crime/insert significant event here, you and your friends are going to die in your sleep. Insomnia is your friend.
10. Sleep Saves Lives: If you and said friends try to avoid your fates by taking caffiene IVs and going on a nodoz diet, you will inevitably collapse and some well-meaning ER attending will sedate you, spelling your doom. It's better to hit the library and check out everything you can on lucid dreaming and battling night terrors so you can learn to become a kick-ass ninja-pirate-spy when you enter REM sleep.
11. Death is Patient but Douchey: You can avoid your lethal fate by exiting the plane/boat/car/train/other fiery death trap you were expected to be in, and live on for days or even decades. But eventually death/fate will hunt you down and kill you in the most awkward, unnecessary way just to make your obituary an embarrassment.
12. You Saw What You Saw: Your new neighbor/teacher/sheriff/authority figure/pillar of the community, really is a bloodsucking fiend or other psycho killer just like it appeared. No one will believe you. He will find out you told. MOVE.
13. Married/Involved People Live Longer: If you're single and strange things begin to happen centered around your single best friend--you don't make it to act III. Immediately move your platonic relationship to a romantic one and remain likeable. Coupling up and being an audience favorite increases your survival rate by 75.67%. Unless your male and there's an alien/demon baby on the way. In that case start dating her brother or some other male to prove you aren't a threat to alien/demon dad when he shows up. If you're female and single and don't want your own alien/demon baby, date her sister or some other female to show you're off the table for further alien/demon seduction. (Which makes same-sex couples the ultimate horror movie save *wink*)
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