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Fang Don't Blink
Greetings, Kittens!

Thank you for all of the comments these last few Thursdays. I usually reply to each and every comment, even if you all don't swing back to read them, but these last few weeks have seen the "chronic" part of my chronic illness and I haven't been up to it. I'm feeling a bit better today, so hopefully that will change!

I've been asked the last two Thursdays if I was going to do another horror movie rules edition. I did two versions last year, one of horror movies rules on my blog, and one on horror movie pet peeves on a group blog. It's was great fun and everyone threw in their own rules in the comments section. I loved it and just couldn't pass up doing the theme again this year. So today I bring you a blended edition of the 13 Horror Movie Rules To Help You Survive.

Enjoy.

                          

13 Horror Movie Lessons ala Xakara
(In Case You Ever Find Yourself In A Horror Movie)

1. Don't Split Up: No, it won't be faster. No, you can't cover more ground that way.  Why? Because you can't move or cover ground if you're dead. If you're undead, maybe, but not dead-dead. Just stay together.

2. Evil Uses Racial Profiling: If you're the only Person of Color in the crowd of plucky, yet naughty, white folks you're going to die. Don't bother running, just turn and fight so you can go out with glory.

Exception: The Tech Guy/Occultist Chick. You've been off doing research since the middle of the second act. As long as you don't try to relay the forbidden information over the telephone while you're all alone in the middle of a storm/blackout, you'll survive to nearly die in the sequel.


3. Virginity Saves Lives: If you're the female lead and have been declared a virgin, you now possess the magical "get out of slaughter free card" and will slip the noose to fall into the male lead's arms. Unless of course he's been pressuring you for sex. In that case, he's already dead from his tryst with your slutty best friend after they went off into the woods/by the lake/[insert isolated area here], in Act I.

4. Virginity Kills: If you're anyone but the female lead and a virgin, or you are the lead but have proved to be TSTL, a major ritual sacrifice is in your future. The calvery will ultimately swoop in and prevent the apocalypse, but the virgin still dies.

5. Crows Have It Out For Us...Maybe: Whether guiding the souls of the wrongfully killed back to earth for vengence, or heralding the arrival of the Walking Dude; crows are always a danger sign. But at least they warn you with their cries, so maybe they're trying to help us. However it shakes out, where crows go, a high body count follows. That's just how they roll.

6. It's Fallen, but It Can Get Up: And it will, so don't go check for a pulse if you don't have a weapon. If you do have a weapon, aim for its head and keep shooting or swinging until there's nothing but a misty paste left. Trust me. Anything else and it's curtains for you.

7. If You Build It, It Will Eat You: Your wonderful, disease curing intentions are irrelevant. If you create a creature, especially one with human DNA, it's going to kill you. Not only is it going to kill you, it's going to kill all of your family, all of your friends, all of your collegues, and the girl that says hi to you every day in line at starbucks. However, if the two of you are spending $9 at Starbucks on a daily basis, in the middle of a recession, you both kinda have it coming. Unless of course she's made a cute joke about stimulating the economy, in that case she's totally saved.

8. Rottwielers are Evil: But only if there's a Latin choir chanting ominiously in the background. Otherwise, you're good.

9. Sleep Kills: If you're a teen or twenty-something and you either learn for the first time that a crazed, maniac killer died in your house, or you grew up with the legend of him dying in the neighborhood; on the anniversary of his birth/death/most infamous crime/[insert significant event here], you and your friends are going to die in your sleep. Insomnia is your friend.

10. Sleep Saves Lives: If you and said friends try to avoid your fates by taking caffiene IVs and going on a nodoz diet, you will inevitably collapse and some well-meaning ER attending will sedate you, spelling your doom. It's better to hit the library and check out everything you can on lucid dreaming and battling night terrors so you can learn to become a kick-ass ninja-pirate-spy when you enter REM sleep.

11. Death is Patient, but Douchey: You can avoid your lethal fate by exiting the plane/boat/car/train/other fiery death trap you were expected to be in, and live on for days or even decades. But eventually death/fate will hunt you down and kill you in the most awkward, unnecessary way just to make your obituary an embarrassment.

12. You Saw What You Saw: Your new neighbor/teacher/sheriff/authority figure/pillar of the community, really is a bloodsucking fiend or other psycho killer just like it appeared. No one will believe you. He will find out you told. MOVE.

13. Sometimes Zombies are Fast: So get the hell out of dodge...but don't split up to do it!

Happy Halloween Season, Kittens!

Other Thursday Thirteeners

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Comments

( 38 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Oct. 20th, 2011 02:49 pm (UTC)
LOL! Those are too funny!

*hugs*
Paige

My TT is at http://paigetylertheauthor.blogspot.com/
xakara
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:24 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I enjoyed them :)
KMenozzi
Oct. 20th, 2011 03:10 pm (UTC)
Okay, number eleven
had me laughing out loud. Literally. "to make your obituary an embarrassment." Too perfect! :)

Happy TT! Stay safe! ;)
xakara
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:26 pm (UTC)
Re: Okay, number eleven
I'm so happy you laughed! And I'm convinced all the crazy deaths is just to make the obit awkward, it has to be. *grin*
Rekaya Gibson
Oct. 20th, 2011 03:22 pm (UTC)
I love your list. #2 and #6 are my favorites.
Thanks for visiting me today!

The Food Temptress
xakara
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:27 pm (UTC)
#2 and #6 are good ones to like, to be sure! Thanks for the return visit :)
(Anonymous)
Oct. 20th, 2011 03:39 pm (UTC)
LOL! Too funny!

*hugs*
Paige

My TT is at http://paigetylertheauthor.blogspot.com
xakara
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:28 pm (UTC)
Hey, it was nice, you commented twice! *grin*

I'm guessing you didn't see your original comment. It was pending because it was anon w/ a link, but it came through great. :)
(Anonymous)
Oct. 20th, 2011 03:40 pm (UTC)
First of all - 'Mood - Screamy' - LOL!!

I would quote every one of these, but that would clog up your comments section. All of them made me howl.

Julia

www.juliaphillipssmith.com
xakara
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:29 pm (UTC)
It's always awesome to have someone who can appreciate my mood icons! :)

And feel free to 'clog' up my comments any time. I love when you come by!
denisedyoung
Oct. 20th, 2011 03:53 pm (UTC)
Wow. Lmfao. Seriously. I especially like "It's fallen but it CAN get up." I will remember these rules as the nights grow longer. :)
xakara
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:31 pm (UTC)
You never know when they might come in handy. One of the most used phrases around my house is, "nope, I saw this movie, I know how this ends". It helps. Now, if only we could hear the background music! :)
i_amsherlocked
Oct. 20th, 2011 04:09 pm (UTC)
*loves*
This was the best list ever!
xakara
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:32 pm (UTC)
Thanks! And beautiful avatar image, just gorgeous! So glad to see your comment, I'm so woefully behind on lj, but I haven't forgotten anyone. :)
(Anonymous)
Oct. 20th, 2011 04:14 pm (UTC)
Alice Audrey
If I ever find myself in Starbucks I'll come up with a witty comment and work real hard on my lucid dreaming.
xakara
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:33 pm (UTC)
Re: Alice Audrey
Witty comments save lives! And lucid dreaming is plain old fun :)
wordtrix.blogspot.com
Oct. 20th, 2011 04:37 pm (UTC)
Fun post. Number eleven definitely proves death has a sense of humor.
xakara
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:34 pm (UTC)
Right? Some things are just so unnecessary and should never show up on a death certificate, or in an obit. But death is just like that. ;)
(Anonymous)
Oct. 20th, 2011 04:44 pm (UTC)
Well that was fun. You'd think by now they'd know not to split up, wouldn't you?
xakara
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:35 pm (UTC)
I know! What is up with splitting the group? Who does that? :)
(Anonymous)
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:00 pm (UTC)
Ha! Great rules.
What fun. Also, don't answer the phone or open the door or investigate any strange noise.

http://otherworlddiner.blogspot.com/2011/10/spine-tingling-lines-guess-what-movie.html
xakara
Oct. 20th, 2011 05:36 pm (UTC)
Re: Ha! Great rules.
Very true, it's always best to go incommunicado and just block of basement and attic doors until the crazy has passed! :)
(Anonymous)
Oct. 20th, 2011 06:15 pm (UTC)
Loved it. From my observations, you have everything dead right

Shelley
http://www.shelleymunro.com
xakara
Oct. 21st, 2011 07:25 am (UTC)
Awesome! I haven't watched much recent horror, so it's good to know that my memory holds true. *grin*
(Anonymous)
Oct. 20th, 2011 08:00 pm (UTC)
LOL!
These are awesome! LOL!! I especially love #7 and #11! Thank you for the laugh today. :) Happy Thursday!

Stephanie Adkins
http://stephanieadkins.blogspot.com/
xakara
Oct. 21st, 2011 07:26 am (UTC)
Re: LOL!
#7 is the one that all of science needs to remember! Here's hoping :) *grin*
Janice Seagraves
Oct. 20th, 2011 11:13 pm (UTC)
Thursday's thirteen
That is so funny. I had to read it to my daughter, she totally agrees with you. Nice one. :)

Janice~
xakara
Oct. 21st, 2011 07:27 am (UTC)
Re: Thursday's thirteen
I'm so glad you both enjoyed it! :)
(Anonymous)
Oct. 21st, 2011 01:15 am (UTC)
I got a little scared just reading them. But some are funny. Another TT today was famous lines from horror movies. http://looseleafnotes.com
xakara
Oct. 21st, 2011 07:28 am (UTC)
If you're scared, you're paying attention. Now you know you'll be safe! :)
angel Graham
Oct. 21st, 2011 04:53 am (UTC)
T13
That was too much fun. So, insomnia is my friend? Good. No Freddy Kruger to kill me in my sleep!
xakara
Oct. 21st, 2011 07:29 am (UTC)
Re: T13
I had to make insomnia my friend, it came by and just wouldn't leave. :)

But remember, lucid dreaming is your best weapon when you do sleep!
(Anonymous)
Oct. 21st, 2011 06:06 am (UTC)
The Gal Herself from One Gal's Musings
I so LOVE this list! Especially #12. The pillar of the community is often NOT as he seems!
xakara
Oct. 21st, 2011 07:29 am (UTC)
Re: The Gal Herself from One Gal's Musings
#12 is SO important! If everyone knows that they say, what they saw, they can get out of the way of the big bad and survive. *nod*
(Anonymous)
Oct. 21st, 2011 07:04 pm (UTC)
Great!
Great list. I would be the one running screaming etc. No way would I go check for a pulse or question whether or not what I think I saw is what I saw. But I'd probably end up dead anyway! LOL (Forgetfulone)
xakara
Oct. 23rd, 2011 11:56 am (UTC)
Re: Great!
I would be running, but not screaming, it might hear. *wink* But yeah, why check for a pulse? Hit it and keep hitting it until it stops moving and then hit it some more and leave. Either it's dead or it's not, but once it's fully down, don't stick around to find out!
(Anonymous)
Oct. 22nd, 2011 01:21 pm (UTC)
That was way too fun to read. Hope you're feeling much better.

Best wishes,
Darla
xakara
Oct. 23rd, 2011 11:57 am (UTC)
I'm definitely on the upswing. So glad you had fun reading it! :)
( 38 comments — Leave a comment )

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